As I write this you’re sitting in the most unusual way on the sofa whilst watching tv right next to me (guiltily for the third time today). I love watching your ever increasing character and personality develop, you continue to amaze me on a daily basis but today I’m feeling exhausted. Your brother was up lots last night and you’re going through the 2 year old sleep regression so you also paid us a visit at 2am. Add to that your brother has decided today that he won’t sleep unless he’s on me and you’re doing your best to wake him up when he does drop off - whether you mean to or not it’s just hard. Let’s just say that today is not my finest day of parenting and I’m feeling like a bit of a failure for you both.
Going through this newborn stage again with your brother has reminded me not of how easy it was because it wasn’t but just how much time we had together just the two of us. This time round is a whole different ballgame - we have you our gorgeously rambunctious toddler who is into everything and ever so keen to explore and learn, daddy is working from home and due to coronavirus we’ve already been in each other’s pockets for 6 months before I even started my maternity and it has been hard!
It is made easier however by your very existence, you my firstborn who made me a “Mummy” and have taught me so much already. I will never forget that moment when I first held you in my arms on the edge of the birthing pool - I didn’t know whether you were a boy or a girl, I didn’t actually care to be honest, I just felt a sense of awe that you were ours and we were yours. Thanks to you I’m so much more chilled out this time with your brother, I don’t sweat the small things anymore. I’m not panicking every time he makes an odd sound in the Moses basket in the middle of the night and thank god because he is such a noisy sleeper - who knew a baby could grunt like that! I don’t worry about him in the back of the car when we’re driving somewhere - it’d be helpful though when we’re stuck in traffic and he’s screaming his head off if you didn’t say on repeat “move car mummy”. Although if I’m honest it does make me laugh now looking back on it now. He has silent reflux which I didn’t experience with you but I’m still not letting it stress me out as I would have done because I know the signs of a contented baby (which he largely is) who is putting on weight which is all thanks to my experiences with you. The point is that on the whole as a mother to a newborn I’m totally chilled out this time because of everything I learned with you.
It’s a tough time for you at the moment, you’ve got so much to adapt to at such a young age and you’ve already been brilliant throughout this pandemic. We had so much time together before your brother was born, my days and nights were totally devoted to you for an entire year after your birth. I saw every first, spotted every stage of development as it was happening and marveled at everything you did. Now I’m feeling an immense sense of guilt. I miss our 1:1 time together, I miss it more than you will ever know and I know you miss it too. I see it in the way you behave, those fleeting moments of jealousy that you have when you take away a book I’m reading to him or a toy that he is enjoying when I’m focusing my attention on him. But I also see how much you love your brother. He’s the first person you want to see in the morning and you give him oodles of affection - smothering him in cuddles and kisses. I’ve seen the moments when I’ve had to leave him for a minute or two and he’s started crying and you stop what your doing to sing him a song or grab him a toy you think he’ll like. I’ve seen you get a blanket when you think he might be cold and I am so proud of you.
Although I may be busier now and at times it may feel like I’m not there or not looking you must know this my darling daughter - I see you, I hear you and you still amaze me in every way. I love you my little Acorn and I always will!
The Mumma Lion xxxx
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